So I run around all fucking morning trying to make a warped living. First off let me say that when a dirty looking creepy middle aged man arrives while you are desperately trying to print 10 hyperbolic owls in an attempt to send a friend out in the woods of BC some artwork, and shows you clipped out funnies columns and starts to wax poetic about printing one twenty cent copy of a teddy bear photo from this morning’s globe and mail the urge to decapitate him is overwhelming. Yes, random creepy nutbar, thanks for starting my fucking morning off in the strangest possible fucking way. Lots of luck stalking someone else you creep.
Onward to the UPS place to mail this hyperbolic “Magik” owl to some sort of cement factory to a guy with a dog named Baby Buffalo,…right. Shawn stop musing about your company’s drug testing policy. You called me Tina and you live in the middle of the woods..More than likely in a yurt or a teepee right? Anyways I am more of a Billie Holiday fan. Tina Turner looks like fucking AC Green from the Lakers. But, hey Shawn what you and the other lunatics do in the cement realm is beyond my fucking control. I included 2 prints. I figure go try to knock it outta the park, and get a reputation for great service. It is gonna be delivered to the cement teepee by fucking Friday. Besides man didn’t I request accomodations for August?? No..That is because I am going to join the “Eastern European Haunted Castle Cruise Circuit.” If it ain’t mega haunted, I don’t leave poolside from underneath my extra large Schizo Kid brand black beach umbrella. Throw me overboard folks, if I float I am a witch, If I sink, Just whiff rocks into the pockets of my acid wash jean shorts to make sure I sink. Then Get that 1976 “Gruman” German canoe from My parents summer residence in Beautiful French Cove, Cape Breton. Just tell ’em “The Schizo Kid” sent you. They will probably say they don’t know me…Fuck mom, I bought you a damn dress for fuck sakes, and that pussy willow plaque from the CBCCD little gems fundraiser. They gave me a ginger ale and Pizza quota to keep me quiet. Give that carpet bombed canoe to the Cruise staff. We are going to tow the fucking ship, and attatch one of those ferry boat cables to stay on course.
I think I was thinking when I saw the video of Ian from “Tomfun” in that Nautical theme women’s top that If we did go to France during the “Haunted Castle” tour, He would be surely arrested by the French fashion police and fined $3877.78. But, don’t worry Ian, I speak french and I will Bribe the Jail staff with “Gaulois” cigarettes and art prints. Remember though kids, skip Germany, start the fucking cruise in Belgium or the Netherlands, Because when the boat arrives in fucking Doseldorf or some other city two minutes late we will be machine gunned on site. Well, right besides I bought the fucking Dress and the top for Breagh man. Well, look Ian you and all the other lunatics will be well trained to do DOOM METAL SECURITY while I go ashore. Just whiff a maglight on your belt and get one of those fancy name tags, I have the bone necklaces. I may have trouble flying due to the fact that I may be murdered by blood thirsty fucking airport police or they see me on the schizophenic database, which does exist by the way….Ok, looky here I just dress up like a vacationing go getter dentist from Vermont and get a phony fucking passport. I will try to act non-warlock like for the 20-30 minutes it takes to get on the fucking plane. I figure I try to swindle my way into Cruise ship ownership or just start counterftiting euros like “Banksy” did that time, big fucking fan by the way…Let him do the ship graffiti and civil disobedience.
People think I am a fuckwad, listen kids, I tutored 4th year business courses to a Disabled ‘CBU” student for fucking 3 years, plus I am a Fucking “A” student. Stand back you morons I got this Cruise circuit locked. Tickets will be 34 million euros for yuppies and fucking free to all the artists…BAM! Look, Dracula tried to kick me off of that “Serpent Society” site for selling fucking posters, but he fucking well tried to sell me a book about the devil two fucking days after joining. Doesn’t that contradict the premise of a non-commercial place for people from another dimension to network and share doomed stories. Besides, I have “Thorseeker” this Turkish Occult fanatic from southern Ontario editing or at she thinks that she is editing. I am trying to send my warlock “mojo” through this shitty Toshiba as we speak. Just kidding she’s a cool girl. Now that I Have my castle “Fjord” in my sights, I have to get some legit witches to run this thing Kosher. I am also working on a stand up comedy routine…I do a piece about why ghosts are dynamite roomates. They don’t skip out on the fucking rent or eat your last piece of pizza or scratch your Cd’s. Unless you have One of those ahh Poltergeists..they can be very problematic. Whiffing dishes at you and speaking in Latin. Well I figure the best way is to just padlock the fucking kitchen shelves or use fucking paper plates from now on.
My line of Eastern European Haunted Castle Cruisewear will include fucking hyperbolic slippers, coasters, amulets, socks, Fishing hats, and the previously mentioned DOOM METAL TRIBUNE black beach umbrellas…..Terrifying drunk lazy octogenarians by the fucking pool…or just whiff my carcass into a sound proof movie room that way terrified clients can just leave two minutes into my stage material..And the artists can go out on the deck to hit up some coke or smoke some grass. Remember, this is not a cruise ship that will agree with everyone, and we bribe the Rhine River fucking Coast guard or put fucking rocks into their dingy to make them sink, which makes them the confirmed witches not The Schizo Kid…Post 911 Nazi doomed planet in which we reside. I will be trying not to get lynched. I was saying to a lady witch who is hiding somewhere in Norway, that I feel like Salmon Rushdie only I am a Blonde warlock, same fucking difference. Besides I got him driving the fucking boat. I am haggling with “Vans” to send all my staff hyperbolic vans plastered with my fucking logos on ’em, I am sure they are equally intrigued and terrified, but this is fucking punk rock not fucking rocket science as Lauchie my old bass player once said,…Of course he is running the “Intimacy Balm” booth and also will be trained as a fucking sniper or the fucking head chef. We must stay healthy. I will be in the ship gym ever so gently squat lifting fucking German Cars and watching reruns of Dr. Oz examining a fucking diseased kidney, and explaining all the fucking reasons I should do a carrot infused fucking Juice fast.
The Schizo KId