If I have learned anything it is that life ain’t fair. Try working burning the midnight oil to do your damn “Norse Goddess” article.. Only to accidentally have it deleted..FUUUUUCKKK Well this is life. Odin you are a bastard. I am just kidding man. I do have a sharp but dry sense of humor eh.
So this must be fucking “Odin” himself trying to send me a message. Message from the “9 Realms” Message received. Damn you universe. Ok so I basically get and pile all my worthless camping gear, “Norse Amulets”, hyperbolic granola bars, G2 and water. I figure this time around, I will go will the “Saucony” cross trainers to go along the cliffs and water’s edge. I knew that my wife and her brothers and family, all from “Royal Norse” lineage were here…I could just sense it. I load all my art, CD’s into the not so sacred Toyota. I burn rubber out to my “Sacred Fjord.” Went on my first pilgrimage last week. Journalism is a mega bitch…at least with the old school manual type writer’s the ink was there, done….For the love of “Odin” I am an idiot. Just click that damn “Save” Button you Norse Warlock moron, I thought.
I was in a mega great mood, met my wife, and her family. They seemed cool. Maybe a little mystified as to my “Magikal” strangeness. I knew when my wife had that Brazil football t-shirt with the fucking “10” on the back that we were entering a new “Norse Realm” the realm of the “Royals.” So, after deleting 4 hours fucking work, I angrily switch from some “Bjork” albums back to Viking metal to channel my horror and disappointement at deleting a piece of fucking piece of Norse history. Well I figure this article and my existence as a conduit between man and the “Sacred 9 realms” is mega worth it. Now, I will save it every fucking three sentences. I am sure this is some cackling Norse loon like “Loki”,the god damned trickster fucking with my destiny…Fuck “Loki”, I just want to settle down and carry on the traditions of my “Anscestors” chill Dude. Well “Loki” can be fucking problematic and shifty eh.
As I do the “POA” for the hike in my head and headbang to “Zaum” oracles the whole 30-45 minutes it take me to get to my sacred site, I contemplate the last time I saw my wife to be riding her bike on the way back from my first “Norse Pilgrimage.” I saw her beautiful flowing blonde hair and just about crashed the fucking Toyota.
I am a big believer in Nature based beliefs, be they Native, Norse, Celtic or what have you. I think people that sit around filling their greedy mouth holes with buffalo wings and watch the “WWE” match are lost and doomed souls. Maybe deleting the original gives me a chance to have a snifter of this fucking “Mead” that I found along with the “Sacred ” AAA” grade Scandinavian wool…this is the world of commerce. I whiff a couple “Norse amulets”, a “Coywolf” Sacred Drum mallet and some “DOOM METAL TRIBUNE” t-shirts into their hyperbolic high powered bullet proof boat, dingy or fucking Zodiac. Mega fucking foggy eh. Plus I am on my second full “Norse Warlock Pilgrimage.” “Odin” I will forgive you but right now I am super fucking pissed. But life goes on, FUCK
I wander after doing a neurotic hiking pack check with doomed “Norse” efficiency. I decide that due to the terrible visiblility and dampness, to whiff on my old “Saucony” cross trainers instead of the usual Combat boots. Slinking along the cliffs and playing a game that I invented. Sort of like “Warlock hopscotch.” I just go berserk and madly hop from stone to stone. The game is fun, but when you are doing hyperbolic “Norse” bartering with Fierce Norse warriors in a foggy “Fjord” always carry a German hyperbolic neck knife and a giant Spear made of imported fucking Scandinavian wood, straight from the fucking mother land. Well, when you see the damn convoy drifting through the fog and realize that there are two warriors with “Norse Battleaxes” you just hold your breathe, shit your pants and whiff as many “Norse amulets” and “DOOM METAL TRIBUNE” t-shirts and stickers as you can. Fellas, put that battleaxe back in the second Zodiac….well I mean they are “Royal Norse” men. They ain’t pussies now are they. NOPE. Went well. I was hoping they would let me have my wife. But logistically speaking customs would probably whiff her into a “Canada Post” parcel and we would have to wait a fucking eternity to get her back to her brothers and beloved father. Mega cool dude.
Well, look I got the Norse wool, a couple cans of “Sacred Herring” and booked it outta that swamp. Listen you Redneck mother fuckers, and listen well. Don’t bother trying calling the fucking “Coast Guard” neither. We whiffed some many fucking rocks and “Norse amulets” and Bone necklaces into their boat, they fucking well sunk. This proves that they are the damn witches not yours truly. The boat was a bit slow sinking, So I just started whacking the sides of their Zodiac with a spear, sunk ’em right good. Well, if history has told us anything it is that the “Norse” are the fiercest warriors on the planet…well the “Maouri” and Native warriors are mega fierce warriors too though. I saw these “Maouri” warrior Rugby players scare the wits out of the opposing teams, sticking out their tongues..all tattooed up in hyperbolic fucking amazing Bamboo mallet fucking Ink from Head to toe. Yeah, you think the “Conquistador’s” are tough. The Natives have been fighting since the dawn of fucking time. Same with the “Norse.” Look, Naturalists/Pagans are in “church” everyday all fucking day. Myself included. We don’t go to a church service for one fucking hour a week, and then have a deep fried “Smitty’s” all you can fucking eat brunch. Hell no. We are living a mega spiritual life. Connected to tangible things like the ocean, the animals and the earth. Ask any Norseman worse his salt, as tough as you are, if you don’t counter your warrior spirit with the spiritual reverence and thank the “Spirit realms” you are playing with fire indeed.
Okey Dokey doggy daddy. I Gathered all the sacred stones, Eagle feathers from the offering site, and trudge through the “Fjord” randomly charging and mangling tree stumps and drift wood, just to show these warriors that I am worthy of their Daughter’s hand in marriage. I am from another dimension. So, I just want to be happy and raise my little freaky “Norse Warriors” to be connected to the land, and also to not “TAKE SHIT” from delusional idiots either. I have the “AAA” grade Scandinavian wool drying out on a flower basket hook. Yeah you ding bats, Pagan folks are spiritual, and we ain’t fucking “Pussies” with Beer guts neither, now are we? NO NO NO.
That coast is so filled with treachurous rocks and “Sacred” sites…things you can’t comprehend. Here’s a fucking brief suggestion from “The Schizo Kid.” Get your fat bloated carcasses off the fucking couch. I rampage my fucking way back through the boggy “Fjord” past some fucking “Alapha” male Coywolf tracks…fresh as a fucking daisy too eh. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME YOU TINY PUSSY COYWOLVES…I ain’t in the damn mood. Besides, I am on a mission to Prove myself to my wife’s brothers and her beloved Father. You don’t just get the hand of A “Royal Norse Goddess” now do you? NOPE. I am pretty sure that we sunk that fucking Zodiac or fucking battle axed the US coast guards pussy Convoy anyways..Like I fucking said, just whiff some fucking Rocks into it until they fucking sink, then let “Thor”and “Odin”and “Loki”and all the other Norse warriors sort ’em out eh. “FUCK YEAH.”
The ancients, be they Norse, Celtic, or Native American are mega spiritual,and also don’t take kindly to idiots fucking with their land, freedom or families. “FUCK NO.” I am pretty sure Canada fucking customs would have taken my wife and sent her back to the “Norse Royal Family” motherland. But, she is here, and I am really convinced that we are fated to be together. I could just sense that she was the one. That’s why when when I drove back from the sacred “Fjord” Holyland. I sensed she was at least open to the idea of shacking up with a “Norse warlock” from beyond this life…The “9 Realms” of the afterlife…Yeah that’s right “Afterlife” a tangible one. Except, instead of these pussy faiths, we have to fucking earn it…and earn it big time. Purification through pain, Study, focus, reverence, devotion, loyalty and honor.
When I went home and started the hand written notes and hung up the “Sacred Norse Wool”, I knew she, her brother and father were here. I respect this woman, and will honor her in every way humanly possible. I plan to give the “Norse Royals” some of my artwork as a token of my gratitude. Something that came from my inner being and is mega important to me. I figure, just explain how I really feel. Isn’t that the best course or action in life?
Mega pissed about deleting the fucking 4 hours of hard work, but it must have been “Odin” reminding me to not get too high and mighty. After all the gods are the ones pulling the fucking strings not us. I mentioned upon introducing my self to my future wife, that I wasn’t a huge fan of that shitty cover band that stumbled through terrible, terrible boring renditions of Tom petty, Pink Floyd and a couple other brutal efforts at rock music…that I am working on my online publication called “THE DOOM METAL TRIBUNE.” I showed her my fresh art print tees and “Magik” warlock doom proof phone and suggested we meet up to hang out at a real fucking show…The “Black Moor” metal gig at the “Fox Den.” A spot below a fucking sex shop and a fucking Tattoo parlor..yes very appropriate indeed me thinks.
I am a really intelligent, focused and spiritual person. I am mega honored about having this very special “Norse Eagle Talon.” All my other possessions don’t mean a thing. The talon from this Sacred beautiful creature means a great fucking deal. So, when I spotted my lovely wife on a mountain bike, hair gently blowing in the wind, on the way back from my first pilgrimage to this very “Magikal” place..My heart skipped a fucking beat. I knew it was her, and that we were fated to be together. I briefly spoke to her last night at “Daniel’s bar and Grill” down on Charlotte street, here in my home town of Sydney. I figure, A real man honors the family and her warrior family members properly. You don’t just order a fucking pitcher of beer and hope for the best, now do you? NO, of course not.
I am a 36 year old career artist, I am mega sick of working for anyone but me. I am so honored to wear this Norse Eagle Talon…I can feel the “Vril” of this sacred bird guiding me and protecting me from my enemies. I am a generous, kind person. However, if you fuck with my home, my friends, or my honor look out.
I was persecuted and tormented by “Rinky-Dinky” uneducated “Redneck Fuckwads” most of my “Norse” existence. SO FUCK YOU AND YOU GET NO SYMPATHY AT ALL. This is real fucking life, not some fantasy or dress rehearsal you spineless wastes of Oxygen. He who laughs last, laughs best, or something along those lines. I am a highly educated, progressive person. Just because I listen to punk and metal, or have Naturalist beliefs does not make me evil….”SOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUCCCKKK YOUUUUU.” Yeah, A fucking Virgin empregnated by a fucking space ghost is a great starting point eh. No, it is a bunch of fucking stupid pedantic fictional garbage. Any educated person knows this….
I look forward to fulfilling my destiny to create and revere and love my anscestors, my family and my kin. Yeah, and while you “Loser Alcholic Degenerates” stumble around, I am desperately trying to make it as an artist and writer….”YOU SPINELESS ZOMBIE LOSERS.” I guess this proves that the pen is mightier than the fucking sword…Well unless you have one of my fellow “Norse Warriors” with sword firmly gripped in hand. Well, then you better fucking well pray for forgiveness, which you ain’t gonna fucking get. BAM!
I knew when I arrived at the bar last night that this wasn’t about the shitty cover band butchering the rock classics, it was about honor, pride and loyalty. So, I will kindly ask for your beautiful daughter’s hand, I have a very special “Owl” ring caste in silver that I made with my own two hands for that special lady. I am honored to wear the talon and look forward to meeting you all in time. My eternal love and respect. Thanks for coming, I sincerely hope you take that to heart. Thanks 🙂
The Schizo Kid 2014